Fighting to accept the facts of life

 How do you accept the fact that at even of the age of 31 you feel disconnected. You cry and cry wishing your mom was around. Wondering why you don't fit in. You cry for hours and wonder how you can love your children the way you  never shown to love. How do you cope? how do you change, be better, be what you are told you can never be. How do you make sure you never make the same mistakes your "mother" did. When I say "mother" I mean Adopted mother and my Biological mother. One was a fanatic, religious. She felt that the Bible was to be followed accordingly. To not show any form of love but to defeat and destroy and all in the name of Jesus.  All focus was always, " you are the wrong one here, you are the child. i do nothing wrong ever". Then of course the constant rumors of my BIO mother, she was a prostitute. She had many children out of wedlock. She made money laying on her back or slinging dope. 

1994 I got adopted. I was born, as far as I know,  Eliana Suarez(later on in life, i found out that my possible full name was Eliana Suarez- Lopez- De Balboa) from Bogota, Colombia. I remember a lot of my country, a lot is bad, trust me there are goods in it. The hills do sing, from what i remember. the grass was greener in the country. The water was nice a body temperature.  The skies were nice and just a different smell was around us was of that of the open country. Unless you lived in the city. The smell was very different. You could smell the motor oil, the different spices. The smell of trash.  But the music. It was always around. You heard it even when you didn't want to hear it. It all was about expressing. Even as a child i remember always dancing, and singing. Music was life. Even when i lived in the orphanages and the  nuns made us sing hymnals. 

Each day i will write more of my story, please feel free to comment, email me. Tell me how i wrote this what i need to do better. ect